The 7 Types of Love, Part 2

In the last episode, we looked at the platonic versions of love. Today, we'll conclude the discussion and talk about the romantic side. We'll gain a better understanding of this complex and personal subject and how we can ease our struggles with it. So, let's dive in. 

Thank you for tuning in to an episode of Merwin's Philosophy, where I explore the connection between spirituality and psychology and how that coincides with social issues we face today. Now here's the show. 

So just as a reminder, this is part two of my dive into the complex subject of love. So if you haven't listened to part one yet, you can either listen to it after this episode or before, it doesn't matter, but this is still part of the overall Life Journey series, which is when I look at the practice of Tarot and break down each card into practical terms and related to psychology. There's a portion of the cards called the Major Arcana, which represent different phases in our life. And the Lovers is the card that represents balance and harmony between us and other people as well as within ourselves. So just like part one, I'm going to break this down into three parts. The first part I'm going to talk about the final three types of love within my list of seven. Which again is the romantic side. Remember part one was the platonic. Part two, we're going to be talking about the struggles with each type. And in part three, again, how society tricks us this time when it comes to romantic love. 

Part 1: 7 Types of Love [00:01:30] 

So let's dive into part one. My list of seven is derived from the eight original types from the ancient Greek. And from their list, the only one that I have left off is the one called Mania, which, if you remember from part one from the last episode, is the obsessive and toxic version of love, which in today's society we don't call that love, we just call that being obsessive, manipulative, toxic, all of those negative traits where we don't have a healthy understanding of love and maybe haven't healed many of the wounds and issues within ourselves.

So going over the first four, And again, I'm going to use the Greek names, and so if I mispronounce them, I apologize. On the Platonic side, you have Philautia, which is self love, Storge, which is family love, Philia, which is friendship or brotherly love, and then Agape, which is that universal and unconditional version of love. And today we'll talk about the Romantic side. 

And so the first one we have is Ludus, which is flirtatious. It's a very playful version of love. You can think of this as the very early stages of dating when you're simply just talking to people, trying to get to know who they are, trying to get to understand their personality a little bit. And the thing with this is that it's not that serious. This is the no strings attached. You're just flirting. You're just talking that talking stages of love. And with this one, and we'll talk about it more in part two, but with this one, people can be very impatient, especially if you kind of already know what kind of relationship you want. You're not the type of person that's into flirting. You want to go ahead and just start dating already. I would say that skipping over this version can lead us to skipping over any red flags that we may see, potential flaws or incompatibilities that maybe exist between us and the other person. Fun fact, ludus in Latin means play, game, sport. Again, that very playful kind of energy. 

Then we get to the one that everyone thinks of when we talk about romance. Which the Greek called Eros. And yes, it is named after the God Eros or the Roman version, Cupid. This is that very passionate, lustful form of love. The initial stages of a relationship past, you know, Oh, we're just flirting. We're just trying to get to know each other. This is the one that does involve sex. It does involve the very romantic displays of love that we see in the movies. We hear about in music all the time. People make art based on this version. And I do agree with one of my sources that called it a temporary version of love that will evolve into another form, which is the next form, or it will fade away.

But after the flames cool off a little bit, we go to the third version, which is pragma. And this is the Greek word for practical. So that very grounded type of love. And this is the type of love that we see with longstanding couples. Couples that have been married for a long while. We think of this as a commitment or nurturing type of love within a relationship. These are the couples that have worked out their issues and have figured out a way to remain connected to each other. Pragmatic is another word that I would add to this version. 

And again, the three things that we need to remember before we dive into part two is just like with the platonic versions, We need to remember, number one, self awareness. Number two, the history with the person. It's very easy with romantic love because I can just list out these stages, the stages of dating. Ludus, you get to know the person, you just figured out who they are. Eros, you've probably been talking for a while, or there is an instant connection, passionate, lustful connection. And then, pragma is one where you guys have been together for a long time, for a while, at least. And then number three, you can feel more than one type towards a person at any given moment. Of course, there is going to be that romantic version of love between two couples who have been together for a long while.

Part 2: Struggles Within Each Type [00:05:48] 

But let's dive into part two when we talk about the struggles within each type. With Ludus, that playful, flirty version of love, again, this is that type. Just like with platonic friendships, we most likely meet people when we're out in the community or in today's time there is online dating. When you're just getting to know each other, you're probably flirting through text messages, through messaging, or you see them in the club, in the bar, or just out and about whenever you're part of an event.

With this stage, and with any forms of love, there is a sense of reciprocity that is needed to maintain a sense of balance within this stage. If the other person wants to move things along, They don't want to just stay flirting. They want to go a little bit deeper, move into a more romantic version of love. Then you need to be honest with yourself and see if you want the same thing as well, at least with them, or be honest and say, I'm not ready for a relationship. I've heard stories where one person moves a little bit too fast and the other person really wasn't ready, but they thought, Oh, this is something that I need to do, or they were just desperate to be in a relationship and kind of rush things along as well.

But I've also seen the complaints that many people get this stage in Eros, the romantic version of love, kind of wrapped into one. And so they think the other person is kind of playing along with their feelings or not being serious, which they could very well not be serious. That's what ludus is, a flirtation stage is. But the other person expecting them to be a little bit more serious thinks that the other person , has malicious intent or they're just not serious. And they could very well not be serious. Some people are a little bit more serious when it comes to romantic love. Others, they really do just like to flirt. They probably have a more flirtatious personality, probably a little bit more charming, but for them, it doesn't mean that much. And for others, that makes them irritated. And I've seen this in person too, where another person is kind of complaining and bemoaning about, Oh, he's not serious, or she's just playing me along or whatever. And we have to be honest with ourselves and say, okay, I'm looking for something a little bit more serious and have that honest conversation with the other person. You might be surprised. They may not have realized, Oh, you want something that's a little bit more romantic, a little bit more deeper, intense. So, I want the same thing too, I just didn't know if we were going to push the gas on the pedal or not, so to speak. And so that's when communication and honesty comes in to play as well. 

However, I've also seen in this stage a little bit of jealousy and demanding more of the person than they are willing to give and vice versa. You know, you may feel like you're being rushed along if you are on the receiving end of somebody else telling you that, they're tired of just playing around, they want something a little bit more intense, a little bit more deeper, a little bit more committed, and for some of us, we are not ready to move along with that stage. Maybe we have trust issues or maybe we just move a little bit slower. And again, that comes with understanding yourself, self-awareness, and just communicating with a person. And it's okay to break things off. It is actually best to break things off. If you realize that you are incompatible with somebody, this is the stage of dating that is perfect to break things off. You haven't invested time. You haven't invested too much into each other that it would really, really hurt to let this person go. This may be your dream person, but if they are just simply not ready to deepen a relationship or be really committed to you, then that's perfectly fine. Let them go. And hopefully through time, maybe you guys will come together, or maybe you'll find somebody that has similar traits to them, but is actually what you've been looking for on an emotional sense. And we'll talk more about that in part three. , I have a lot to say in part three about the romantic side of love. 

[00:09:43] But let's move on to the next one, which is Eros, or the stereotypically romantic version of love. This is the version, again, like I said in part one, this is the version that many people think of when we just ask people what they think about love in general. Most people will immediately think of romance. But this is the stage where you're actually dating someone. A lot of the flaws of another person will be overlooked because you are very attracted to this person in a very carnal and physical sexual sense. And so we can overlook a lot of red flags, especially if you haven't been in a relationship for a long time. And you find somebody and you really, really think they're the one, you probably are already fantasizing about a long term relationship with them. It can be very easy to skip over all of the red flags and very easy to put aside all of your standards because you want to make a lot of concessions for this person. You want to keep this person in your life. See how far I can go. 

But just like in the initial stage, this stage we could see a lot of the flaws come out, whether they're being overlooked or not, a lot of flaws will start to come out and a lot of our insecurities will start to come up as well. The person will start to push a lot of our buttons and if there's anything that we haven't dealt with, maybe if it's emotional baggage from a previous relationship, maybe it's other wounds around trust and commitment that will really start to come up the longer we stay with a certain person and I've noticed that people will either become very obsessive with the person, that fear of the other person leaving, the fear of abandonment, the fear of betrayal, that'll come up. And so people will act out in two ways. They will either become very obsessive and almost codependent on that person, want to keep them at their side at all times, or they will develop avoidant behavior. So doing things that unconsciously push the person away. But the truth is, anytime we enter into really any kind of relationship, some insecurity or something that we haven't dealt with will come up. 

Before we get to the next part, I also want to add that this is the stage that also has the most shame around it. This is when society will say, especially if you're a woman, this is when society will shame you and say that, Oh, you're just sleeping around. You're not being serious. You're just playing with people's hearts, playing with people's minds. And some people are okay in this stage. We are in an age now where the people are a little bit more sex positive. They have a little bit of an open mind when it comes to romance. And so I necessarily don't see this as anything shameful. I see this more as we need to understand that what we are comfortable with and what we seek in a relationship and how we see sex and romance doesn't necessarily have to be the same thing that somebody else sees. Again, love is very complex and personal. 

[00:12:41] But let's move on to the last one, which is pragma or that practical and grounded, long lasting type of love. This is the type of love that we associate with marriage and being in a committed long term relationship. At this point, we have a deeper understanding of ourselves, a deeper understanding of the other person. We have formed certain compromises with each other. Hopefully that supports both of us. 

I would also say that this is the version of love that seems to be the goal for many people. And it's even taught to us that marriage and then having your own family is the goal. We're getting into part three. But I would say that we put a lot of emphasis on trying to reach this version of love almost before we've even understood what type of relationship we even want, even before we've understood and healed our own selves and healed from a lot of the past issues that we have surrounding commitment, trust, honesty, and communication.

But most people mistake Eros for Pragma, so they mistake the very romantic, lustful, and passionate version of love as something that is very committed and grounded, like practical love. When they're really not ready for that very long term and committed relationship, I kind of just said that, a lot of people overlook flaws and red flags when they're very passionately and lustfully connected to that other person, right? Their insecurities and their issues will finally come up and then they realize, I don't really want to work on this, I'm not ready to work on this, I'm not ready to go through the hard trouble of self reflection, healing. Confronting whatever limiting beliefs I may have. And so they quickly fizzle out because they don't want to work on it. But if practical and grounded long term love is the goal, you're going to have to go through it. 

Let's think about older generations right quick. A lot of the older generations did get married so young before they were really ready, before they really understood what marriage meant, before they understood what is needed in a long term committed relationship. I feel like women are still today pushed into marriage as the goal. And unfortunately what'll happen is that there can be a lot of resentment and guilt that comes up. I see a lot of middle aged couples where they feel a lot of guilt, shame, resentment, bitterness because they got into a relationship so early. Or before they really understood the world and about themselves and about what they really wanted in a long term relationship, they probably, and I feel like this happens with a lot of times with women, you feel like you can't really speak up in the relationship. Or there'll be a lot of shame put on you because why did you break up? Why did you leave a good man? Why did you break up with a good husband? And I'm not saying that men don't also have that certain shame whenever there is a divorce or something like that. But I do feel like because society pushes us into marriage, which again, is that practical version of love or supposed to be, then all of those issues that we didn't deal with, that we didn't make room and space to talk about, now we're middle aged, it comes up. And then we see two people get divorced or the relationship lasts, but you just realize that they are really, really not happy with each other. 

Part 3: How Society Tricks Us [00:16:11] 

So with that all said, let's go ahead and finally get into part three, which is how society tricks us when it comes to romantic love. A lot of the things that I mentioned in the last episode in part one also deal with this version as well.

The loneliness epidemic not only affects platonic versions of love, so finding friendships, being close with family. But also romantic connections, people yearn for both types. And so this feeling of being isolated from other people, not only affects our ability to form friendships, it affects our ability to date. And yes, there is online dating, but just like I said in the last episode, technology is not a replacement for that connection. Flirting and talking to each other and sharing messages online. It's very different when the person is actually in front of you. You can't just turn off the phone and turn off the computer. Now you actually have to take this person for who they are. And now you get an unfiltered version of their personality because they're right in front of you. 

The unfortunate part is that notion of overlooking red flags and overlooking flaws, I feel like is even increased because we're trying to desperately abate our sense of loneliness. And when it comes to dating, instead of adhering to our standards and really seeing if this person is even compatible on a deeper sense, We start to make concessions, we start to lose our standards, and we just want somebody to be there for us. 

[00:17:48] But let's move on to the next part, which is gender roles and a very rigid ideology of love. Again, I mentioned this, I touched on it in the last episode, but let's dive a little bit more into it. When it comes to love, most of society thinks in very binary, heteronormative standards when it comes to love. I've seen this in queer communities as well. We view true relationships as being monogamous. That's not true for everybody. Polyamory relationships do exist, but within that concept as well, someone has to be feminine and the other person is masculine, or one person has to be dominant and the other person submissive. Again, that's not true, but that's sort of what we see modeled all the time in the commercials. That's what's marketed to us, even in fiction or material that's marketed towards queer people. We still see it. And again, that's not true for all relationships. 

I truly believe that it exists on a spectrum. But the problem becomes when we see that as the default and we expect that as a default and we shame others for it as well. I've had this question thrown at me, whether I am the more dominant or the submissive one in a relationship. And number one, it's none of your business, but also number two, why? Being a gay man, that really shouldn't matter? But I do also understand that even for gay men, that some gay men are looking for the other half of them. So if you're a more dominant person, you might be looking for a more submissive person and things like that, that in and of itself is not a problem. However. When we shame others for being the more submissive one, or when we tell women, to go back to straight couples, when we tell women, Oh, you're being a little bit too dominant. You're being too much like the man in the relationship. Or, let's switch it over again to men. Oh, you need to take charge. You need to do this and do that. 

Number one, again, a romantic relationship is between that person and whoever the other consenting adult is. We don't really have a say in who that person dates. However, I still see society shame men, women, gays, whoever, for whatever they like and want in a relationship. Some people want a traditional relationship. Some people do not. I truly believe that there is somebody for everyone. It may take a very long time to find that other person, but we don't have to concede to the standards that society tells us that we must have in order to have a healthy relationship if it's going to be based on stereotypes.

And we may think that, oh, well, because of online and because mental health is talked about a little bit more, this is not a big problem. Every time there is a big blow up about domestic violence or domestic disputes or anything like that, I see society flip right back into those gender stereotypes. The woman couldn't possibly be the abuser because she's a woman or, Oh, those are just two men, so it's not really being taken that serious. You know, that's just what happens when men get together. And it's like, no, that's not, that's not true. It's just an echo of these very limited beliefs and very toxic mindsets that, again, have been taught to us and passed down to us through generations in society. 

[00:21:13] Let's go on to the next one, which is the romanticized and marketed versions of love. When it comes to romance, that is one version of love that is heavily marketed to us. And again, I want to reiterate that these versions of love by themselves aren't the problem. But many people will try to emulate what they see on TV, what they see in commercials, instead of realizing that a lot of this is just fantasy. A lot of the romance genre in books and movies, that's what it is, it's fantasy. But a lot of people deep down want what they see on TV because they think it'll give them those deep, tingly feelings that the movies portray. When honestly, that's not true. It may be true for some people, but it's really not true. It's really not a true depiction of real life. 

But I also feel like these depictions of love coupled with the loneliness that a lot of people feel has us rushing into marriage, has us rushing into love. Now, of course, a lot of this is due to society pushing that as a standard and a benchmark for having a successful life. I feel like it just leads us to rushing to reach that goal post without, again, considering what we actually want. 

This may be the reason why a lot of queer people settle into relationships that they don't really want, or unfortunately, and we've seen this with older generations. Gays will settle into marriage to a straight person or in a straight relationship when that's actually not what they want, because society tells you to, even in today's world where, at least in America, it's okay to be gay, obviously. Gay marriage does exist. There's still people in pockets of the country and neighborhoods, probably smaller towns, but even in bigger towns, it happens there too, where people still feel ashamed to be in a relationship, in a queer relationship, even though they identify as queer, but they're too scared to. So they, again, settle for a heterosexual relationship because at least they don't feel alone. At least they're checking off something on the checklist of life. I do see a lot of people, at least my age nowadays, I'm a millennial, so at least my age and younger, we are standing up a little bit more for what we feel like we want in our life.

[00:23:37] But this leads me to my next point, is that, and I said this again in the last episode, we have to learn to love ourselves before we can love to learn others. And this is very true if we're talking about an intimate, close relationship. We have to know what we want, have to be very aware of ourselves, and be willing to have things come up that we didn't even realize was a trigger for us. Once we get into a relationship, because it's going to come up, and we have to be opening to being able to work on those things if we want to continue in a certain relationship or if that relationship doesn't work out at least you won't bring that baggage into the next relationship if you so happen to want to continue dating and finding that person. 

And I'll say this to wrap up this episode. This is when we get phrases like love is dead, men aren't worth it, women don't want anything serious, and other toxic phrases. A lot of these phrases, especially that we see thrown around on social media, anytime there's any big hoopla that, any big event that happens, it just shows me that those people still have a lot of unresolved trauma that they have not worked through. And so now they're just spewing it all online, adding to this very toxic mindset when it comes to love. I could easily point out all of the Pick Me podcasts or the Alpha Male podcasts that we see being spouted around every three to five business days, unfortunately. It just spreads this very toxic mindset that I honestly thought we were outgrown of. I do feel like some of it is just said for attention because it's social media. But I also feel like some people listen to that and truly think about that. We think about the incels and men who have a very low self worth of themselves and very low self esteem, but also trying to project that onto women.

Again, we need a level of self awareness and we need to be able to deal with our trauma if we want a healthy and long term relationship with another person. And in turn, we'll be able to at least treat other people with kindness, treat other people with compassion and understanding once we give ourselves the same grace.

Conclusion [00:25:54] 

To wrap this all up, the seven types of love that I've covered in these two episodes have been self love, family love, friendship, universal love, flirtatious love, passionate and lustful love, And last but not least, the practical and grounded love. The last three are romantic, the first four are more platonic.

Again, I think this is very important to consider the different types of love because through these, you'll be able to see just how many different ways people show up in your life. And hopefully that will be a sense of revelation for some of us that may still feel lonely, unworthy. You may go through this list and see if you've ever felt this type of love with anybody else, or if, you know, you have family and friends that actually do care about you, you know, you've had that special past lover in your life that maybe life just threw you apart. It's not the end of the world. That doesn't mean you won't ever find anybody else to love in that romantic way. But that does mean that through the platonic versions, you probably still have a lot of support in your life that you've never really thought of. 

I talked about depression and mental health and all that in the last episode when I mentioned the loneliness epidemic. That in and of itself can keep us from noticing the way people show up and show us love and support. Remember that love has it's many forms, it's very complex, but it's also very personal as well. A relationship that I want in my life is not necessarily going to be the same way that you want one in your life.

We have to stand firm in what we want and understand and have self awareness around what we want, despite what society tells us love has to look like. And it's okay if you don't see marriage as the goal in life. I don't think that that should be like a goal post in life. That should be something that if you want to have that in your life, then sure, that'd be great to have, but just how everybody doesn't want a house full of kids, not everybody wants marriage. Just like I said, in the last episode, we don't have to emulate the type of relationships that our families went through. The only thing that matters is that we go through our own healing and understand what it is that we want and also understand how we can show up for other people in our life as well.

Thank you for listening to this episode. If you're watching on YouTube, be sure to leave me a comment and subscribe for more. For those of you listening through a podcast app, make sure you subscribe and leave me a review. Click the link in the show notes or head on over to merwinmccrady. com to leave me a comment there.

Thank you so much and I'll see you in the next one.