The 7 Types of Love, Part 1

The Lovers is a card and tarot representing balance between you and other people, as well as within yourself. The concept of love is complex and one that many people struggle with. So how can we gain a better understanding of it and ease the struggles we have with it? Well, let's discuss that in this episode.

Thank you for tuning in to an episode of Merwin's Philosophy, where I explore the connection between spirituality and psychology and how that coincides with social issues we face today. Now here's the show. 

We're continuing with the Life Journey series, which I have adapted from the practice of Tarot. And for anyone that's new to the podcast or new to the series, I'll go ahead and explain what it's about. So basically, tarot in itself is a spiritual practice that uses a deck of cards specific to the practice. And you lay it out in a certain order, depending on what the problem is you're doing a reading for. The formation that you lay it out is called a spread. And you use your intuition to read the story and see what pops out that resonates with you and resonates to the problem that you're reading for. Basically, it's a spiritual practice that engages your intuition and the deep thoughts within you and those gut instincts that we all have within us. And so within those deck of cards are 23 cards called the Major Arcana, which are cards that tell a story that correspond with a certain transition that we all go through in life. It goes from a very naive person to a person that has reached a sense of balance and serenity and understanding within the world.

So starting from the very first episode I did, we looked at the Fool card, which is a very naive person, again, at the beginning of their journey. The next card was the Magician, which represents our willpower and motivation that we use to go through this journey. Next was the High Priestess, which represents our intuition and those gut instincts that we all have within us. After that was the Empress and then the Emperor, both cards that represent self care and self empowerment, respectively. Those moments when we need to pull back and take care of ourselves and those moments when we need to push forward with action and go forward in our journey. And the last episode was about the Hierophant, which is representative of community support, guidance, and conventional wisdom that we all need from time to time, especially when we're feeling very vulnerable and isolated.

So today we're diving into the next card in order, which is called The Lovers. And this is representative of that vast and complex topic of love. Basically The Lovers, the card, represents the balance and harmony that we have within ourselves, as well as with other people in our life. 

So as usual, we're going to break this down into three parts. Part 1 is the 7 Types of Love, Part 2 is the Struggles Within Each Type, and Part 3 is How Society Tricks Us. Because love in the concept is so vast and complex and broad, I've decided to break this down into two episodes. This first episode that you're listening to is going to be on Platonic Love. The next episode, right after this one, will be on the Romantic Version of Love.

Part 1: 7 Types of Love [03:11] 

So let's go ahead and dive into part one and I'll explain why I have broken love into seven types. Now first off, let me explain that everyone has their own definition of love and what that means for them. We all have our own understanding of it. We all have our own personal feelings about it. Now some sources have broken love into five types. Some have gone all the way to 15, which I think is kind of an overkill. But I've settled on the eight original types that come from ancient Greece. So for this episode, I'm only going to introduce the first four types of love, which I have categorized as platonic. And each of these types are categorized by the original Greek word, so if I mispronounce them, I apologize.

So the first one is called Philautia, and that is self love. Now I've said this before, but you can't pour from an empty cup. I believe that philautia, or self love, is the most important version of love, and which is why I've decided to put this as the first type. It is very hard to give and receive love if you have no idea of how you would like to be loved, if you have no idea what love means to you, and if you have a very negative view of yourself.

The second one is storge, which means family love. And I would say this is the second most important because this is the love that we are born into. You know, we can't control the family that we're born into. And while this, on the surface, may seem like, oh, it should be very unconditional. It's also the version of love that can cut us the deepest. We can carry wounds and scars all the way from childhood to adulthood, and can affect the way we give and receive and show love throughout our life. 

So the third one is called philia, which is brotherly love, or think of it as friendship. For some of us, friendship can be a substitution for family love. Or it can be just as deep as family love. Some friendship bonds can last a lifetime. 

And the next we have agape. And this is universal love. This is a sense of unconditional love that you have, not just for one person, but for like a group of people. In the religion of Christianity, this word comes up and is defined as the love that God has for mankind. This sense of very unconditional, universal love. In a more human sense, I would say that this is an example a nurse may have for the sick and elderly, just as a group. A teacher may have for children. Sometimes people will have this love for just pets as a whole. If someone says they're an animal lover, they pretty much view animals as this very innocent beings to love unconditionally. And a lot of people define agape with saintly hood. So think Mother Teresa. 

And then last but not least, we have the word Mania, which is spelt exactly like the English word mania. It stands for this very obsessive, jealous, very manipulative in a way. In today's context, we wouldn't call that love. We would just call it for what I just said it was. Very obsessive, manipulative, toxic. But the Greek decided to call this its own little word to notate the difference between all of the other versions of love and this one. Fun fact about this word, it's named after a Greek god, I think it was a Greek goddess actually, that by the same name, Mania, And she was a goddess of insanity, delusions, madness, very much like the psychological term, mania, which is defined as this hyperactivity and euphoria to the point of delusions and being out of touch with reality.

So as we dive into each type of love that I just mentioned into part two. There are three things to remember. Number one, our sense of self awareness. Number two, our history with the person. And the third thing to remember is that we can feel more than one type of love towards a person at any given moment. So, for instance, yes, you can feel a sense of friendship with a sibling, for example. So, that would be Philia and storge. And you can feel a sense of self worth, deep self love, and universal love, which would be philautia and agape. 

Part 2: Struggles Within Each Type [07:31] 

So let's go ahead and dive into part two. So within each form of love, there are struggles that a lot of us will have to overcome, that a lot of us will have to go through. So first off, let's talk about philautia, or self love. I said earlier how this is the most important version of love because it's very hard to give and receive love if you have negative self worth or negative view of yourself, if you don't know how to take care of yourself and to love yourself. This is related to an earlier episode that I did on The Empress, which would be episode five on the topic of self care. I said in that episode how self care is very important to make sure that we achieve a sense of balance in our life. That we take time to care for ourselves when life gets too hectic and we need to slow down. This will help build a sense of self worth. 

Now we can struggle with loving ourselves due to past trauma, due to any negative experiences that we are still struggling with. And the sense of being out of balance for long enough can result in mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, shame, the feeling of we're not good enough. And on the opposite end, you have people who are egotistical, manipulative. I know that sometimes we throw around the word narcissistic, and that kind of gets a clear aversion in people's mind, but I hesitate to use that because I don't want to conflate what I'm saying with the psychological disorder that is Narcissism Personality Disorder, but Most of us can recognize those manipulative tendencies simply to soothe their own ego. That belief that, oh, I must put down others in order to soothe my own ego, in order to feel better about myself. And that is something that is not healthy at all, very toxic, and will prohibit you from receiving love and support from other people, especially in a healthy way. 

I also want to mention that some people who have a negative sense of self worth and self esteem will think that a relationship will fix all their issues. I've met people who thought, Oh, if I get a significant other, a romantic partner, then I'll feel much better. I have somebody who can take care of me. All of my problems will be resolved. And honestly, that is not the case. Most of the times, you're coming into a relationship with those flaws, those negative views of yourself and other people, and it just makes the relationship harder to work through. And if you attract somebody who has just as many issues with self worth as you do, that relationship is not going to be a healthy one. So it's best to realize that you have to love yourself first before you can love others. 

So let's go ahead and go to the second type of love, which is storge or family. Now this one can be very intense. We're born into our family and we have no control over that. And as a child, we expect the people in charge of raising us to love us unconditionally, to show a great sense of compassion, to give us freedom to express ourselves, but also the discipline to steer us in the right direction.

And some people do grow up with a very loving family, one that tries to teach boundaries and respect. And if you're lucky enough to have that, you can see your parents as a model of how to have a romantic relationship. And still enforce healthy boundaries and also respect with each other. But let's get real, that is not the case for a lot of people. 

Many people come from families that are toxic, abusive, a broken household. They may also suffer from abandonment issues. And these can lead to very serious childhood traumas that, like I said before, can carry through our adulthood and they can taint our ability to form a connection with other people. And the solution with this is very similar to what I talked about earlier with self love, is that we have to cultivate a better sense of ourself. And this can be very hard work, especially if you did not grow up with positive reinforcements from your parents or guardians. Our family is not always going to be that source of support and unconditional love that we crave, especially as children.

Some of us join a community so that we can feel a sense of support, a sense of acceptance, a sense of love. This is very related to my last episode on community, which is the Hierophant. So go check that out if you haven't already. When it comes to familiar relations, If we want to strengthen the bond between us and another family member, three things we have to remember is setting boundaries, if you're able to do that. Letting the other person know, hey, you know, this hurt me when you said this, and when we, when this happened in our lives. Maybe they will share something that hurt them and you can come, both come to an understanding which will lead into forgiveness and also spending more time with each other. This is exactly why a lot of families try to meet for holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and try to reinforce that sense of love and support with each other because you're family.

But that's only if there is a relationship to salvage. Some of us don't have that opportunity or there is a relationship that we want to salvage. In order to protect our own peace and sanity. And that is perfectly okay. I do not believe in the saying blood is thicker than water. Sometimes families will cut us so deep that we have to cut it off. And I know that it's very scary for some people to hear that. That is a very scary thought, but there are plenty of people out here that unfortunately have had to cut off contact with their parents. Siblings, cousins or uncles or whatever, because that person was very toxic, very manipulative, probably very delusional. It just messed with their sense of peace and sanity. Or they were the source of a very deep amount of pain. And who wants to go back to their abuser in order to form some kind of relationship? No one wants to do that.

Again, I'd say about the queer community, many of us had to go through that. We probably have a parent that did not accept us. We probably have siblings that don't want anything to do with us because of who we are. Protecting your peace and forming a bond with people who do accept you is much better than consistently aggravating that wound and begging for love from a person that doesn't want to give it to you. 

So let's go on to the next version of love, which is philia or brotherly love. We weren't born into this relationship. It can easily form when we are in a certain community, when we are being with that person day in and day out. Think of, you know, the friendships you formed in school, the friendship you formed through your workplace, maybe through your community, if you were involved in a certain project or you're involved in a certain organization that involves a hobby. And many times these friendships can last a lifetime, or they can be just as deep as a familiar relationship. 

And in these relationships, there's an understanding of your personality as well as the other person's personality. And there is a connection that is formed there. And whenever we do have arguments and disagreements, the best thing we can do is understand why this is happening, understanding who crossed the boundary with who, forgive each other. It's about respect, communication, and honesty. 

However, there is a thing called one sided relationships, or one sided friendships. You expect this person to treat you a certain way, to do this certain thing for you, and they don't. And so that makes you upset, and when you bring it up to them, maybe they try to gaslight you, maybe they try to turn the blame on you. And the best thing we can do is, again, understand our own boundaries. And some of us, it just takes having an honest conversation, but sometimes people go through their own changes, go through their own toxic points in their life. And the best thing you can do is, again, protect your own peace and sanity and serenity. 

And this can hurt. Just like I said about cutting off certain family members, you may not want to cut off this friendship. There are memories there that you've shared, especially if this is a long term friendship. You have to decide whether you want to continue this friendship and continue this toxic behavior or if it's best to cut it off. Or at least distance yourself from spending so much time with them. And again, it comes with a level of self awareness because are you the problem or are they the problem?

There's an understanding that has to be there and it takes a level of self reflection and to realize if you're being unreasonable within the relationship. There are people out there who expect their friends to do certain things because that's what their definition of a friendship is and the other person doesn't believe in that or doesn't think that at all. You have to meet people where they are. 

This is why there are levels of friendships. You have your best friends, then you have people that are just your friends. Then you have acquaintances, people that you probably work with, or you probably see every now and then, you don't have any bad blood with them, but you don't have the opportunity to hang out with them all the time or you kind of don't want to get too close to them. You kind of want to keep them at arm's length. They're not a bad person, but y'all's personality probably doesn't meld that well together. They probably don't have the same interests as you do, and that's perfectly fine. But again, we have to pay attention to when our friendships are kind of out of balance and decide do we want to address this or do we want to just take it for what it is and back off. 

But last but not least, we have Agape which is that universal, unconditional love. And the key with this type of love is not expecting something in return. This is why it's associated with sainthood, saintliness. This is why the Christians define this as the love that God has for humankind. Now I think the only way that this form of love could be out of balance Is when we try to help one group of people in a way that will hurt another group of people. 

For example, we see this in politics all the time. People will argue about their beliefs and pass laws that will help like the 1%, business owners, people that believe in a certain faith, but that will restrict access to support for others. We saw this with the whole abortion debacle. Men aren't held to the same standards as women are. A woman cannot advocate the same way for her body. If she decides that, I don't want to carry this to term, maybe because she was sexually abused, maybe because she's too young to care for a child, maybe she doesn't have the financial support to care for a child. She's penalized if she wants to get an abortion. However, the man, there is no penalization for his body at all, for his actions. You know, if he decides that he doesn't want to be there for the child, the only thing the mom can do is press for child support. The worst thing that'll probably happen to him is people calling him a deadbeat dad. He won't have to serve jail time, as some women are in some states. So that's just an example, and I think I've touched on that before.

Part 3: How Society Tricks Us [18:37] 

But this brings me into Part 3, which is how society lies to us when it comes to the concept of love. Many of us form our definition and understanding of love from cues in society. We see marketing campaigns on TV. We see the perfect family being represented in movies. If you look online about other people talking about love and relationships, you have other people giving their own definitions, which, in fairness, I'm kind of giving my own as well. But a lot of this is based on their own experience, gendered stereotypes, which we'll get into in just a moment. But a lot of times, it's also like one version of love. You know, how was love supposed to look like? How was love supposed to feel? Instead of taking into consideration that love means a different thing for everybody. And this is why I've broken it down into seven parts. Well, today I've broken it down into four because we're looking at platonic love, but we'll also look at romantic in the next episode. 

But let's break this down into each version of love that I just talked about in this episode, starting with the self again. Society has a way of downplaying self care. Now we live in a capitalistic society. So productivity, being the model employee is kind of at the top. Self care is very important and society will downplay that. Thinking that, oh, if you pause your work to sleep an extra few hours, to take care of yourself, to take a day off, then you're being unproductive. That's not true. If I keel over from a heart attack from overworking myself, the work's not gonna get done anyway. So, I think I'm gonna take a break. 

But also, society has a way of telling us how we should give and receive love. or show love based on our gender. Women are supposed to be these more emotional beings than men, even though you have men that are just as emotional as women. If a man is not very stoic and almost macho, then he's gay. Which, I've met plenty of gay men who are also on that very stoic end of masculinity, but, okay. You know, if a woman isn't demure and almost subservient, then she's not a real woman. 

But that's how society tries to drill into these very gender stereotypes, at a young age, by the way. A lot of times, these are drilled into us as children. Maybe verbally, maybe in subtle ways. That goes into my next version of love, which is family. We have those stereotypical ways that a little boy and a little girl is supposed to act. And then when you get older and you have your own sense of self, many of us come from families that shamed us for it, right?

What we're finding out today though in today's society is that people are finding the freedom to be themselves outside of those gendered stereotypes. Despite the shame that may come from older generations. We need to be able to be comfortable within ourselves, despite what society tells us that we should be doing. And again, I believe the queer community has been doing it. And we have a lot more freedom in today's world, despite the fanatics that are out there that'll tell you otherwise. 

Many of us grew up with ideas of what a perfect family is supposed to look like. You know, you have the Brady Bunch, but then you also have particular family values passed down to us by the elders in our life. And sometimes we don't realize that a lot of these values were actually toxic. I'm Black, so I understood the idea of chastising a child almost to the point that they're bleeding and it actually was a beating, but you try to argue about discipline and being chastised and beat to another Black person and they may be like, oh no, you were just being bad. Bad kids deserve to be whooped. And there's a difference between being spanked. And they mean whoops so hard that you have whelps and wounds on your body. Just because the elders did that, just because that was the norm back in the day, does not mean that needs to be the norm now. 

You know, there's a lot of family dynamics that will repeat certain traumas simply because that's what they grew up with. Believing that Oh, if I had to go through it, then my children have to go through it too. Now, I do see a lot of families online that are the exact opposite. They're understanding that just because I went through this kind of trauma and, you know, it was seen as the norm in the family, that doesn't mean that it has to be this way now.

I've seen a lot of posts from Black women who were saying that nobody was really in their corner when they were being harassed by other family members, think the creepy uncle, for example, and nobody was really in their corner. They were saying, Oh, well, you need to dress right, or you stop being so fast or stop being whatever. And it's like, no, she's a child, someone should be in their corner. But I'm finding a lot of women speaking out against that and realizing that no, we're not going to repeat that generational trauma that is going on. 

The idea that, for another example, women should immediately marry, get married, start a family. Not every woman wants to do that. We're finding a lot of couples, and again, I'll talk about this in the next episode, that are living together. And not getting married, which would make some elders roll over in their graves and shake their head. But not every family dynamic needs to look like a certain family dynamic that we grew up with. And we're finding a lot of people realize that and decide, no, we're not going to do that. We're going to do it this way. 

But let's also talk about friendships and community. Now in a lot of my research, when I've looked at the mental health side, I've seen a lot of psychiatrists and therapists and counselors bring up the loneliness epidemic, which is a lot of people are feeling very disconnected, very lonely. I won't say that it started with the pandemic, but the pandemic definitely exacerbated the feeling. We were forced to quarantine. We were forced to be away from each other. So that exacerbated these feelings of loneliness, isolation, and a lot of people, in order to abate that, formed their online communities.

But technology cannot be a replacement for a sense of community and support and love with other people. It can help, but it can't be a replacement. This is another reason why the loneliness epidemic is such an important thing to talk about. Because even though we are so connected with each other through multitude of social media apps, we're still feeling very lonely because there is that physical connection with another human being is being hindered.

I saw one therapist talk about this and how society is forcing us to be very self sufficient to the point where we rarely reach out for help. For example, many people work from home, you know, instead of going into a nine to five, being around other coworkers, a lot of people are finding it easier to work from home and fulfill obligations that way. But the downside is again, that lack of community, that lack of human interaction. And don't get me wrong, some people do find a way around that, but if you're already feeling alone, putting yourself in situations where there's even less human interaction will only make the problem worse. And I did love how one therapist on YouTube put it, is that a way to resolve this problem of loneliness is reaching out to others. And this brings up Agape. Reaching out to others, doing selfless acts for others, being the first one to reach out instead of waiting on other people to reach out to you. 

When I think about the way I met friends in my life, the way I did that was I joined communities, I joined projects, with nobody else there to tag along with me. Now, I go out by myself all the time. I'm safe about it, but I don't believe in diminishing my chances of enjoying an event simply because I have no one to come with me. I'm an introvert, so I don't easily start up conversations with other people. But, I believe in going to different places just to be among people. I'm not going to a random house party, but I'll go to an art event because, oh, there's something for me to engage with. And if I meet people, I meet people. If we form a friendship, that's cool. 

This lack of community is a symptom of our very capitalistic society. Our progress through the issues that we're having being so isolated and separate from each other. And you can look online and see just how much people are attacking each other. People are arguing over very frivolous points. And I believe this is a symptom from being so detached from each other and being so focused on the negatives in life. There's so many people that have such a low sense of self worth, but instead of getting the help that they need, They would rather attack other people for triggering them.

When we're triggered, that's a moment where we need to engage in some kind of sense of self care. That's not really on the other person, especially if they're not doing any, like, manipulative tactics with you. If they're just saying something, doing something that is within their nature of doing that and it triggers you, you can either say, hey, you crossed a boundary, or do what you need to do to take care of your triggers and do what you need to do to engage in your own sense of bringing yourself back to baseline.

So to close out this section, we need to number one, recognize that there are different types of love. Love itself is a very vast and complex subject with a lot of personal meaning that will differ from person to person, but it's about communication and honesty and understanding, especially if you just have two different personalities. That doesn't mean demonize another person because they're different than you, but there is a sense of respecting, agree to disagree, respecting your boundaries, things like that. 

Conclusion [28:35] 

So in conclusion, love has its many forms. This single word does not encompass the many complexities around it. Love itself is personal despite society trying to tell us how to define it and how it should look. Many times we skip over the different types of love and only focus on one version and this can result in us not recognizing the many connections we have around us. The key is self awareness and honesty. Recognizing when our relationship with another person is out of balance and what we can do to bring more balance and harmony to it.

In all, we need to do what is best for us. Some people will join us along in this transition through life. Some people will be there for us temporarily and then life will distance us apart. Remember serenity. To have peace with things that you cannot change. We cannot force people to love us. All we can do is accept them for who they are and if our personalities mesh well, we can strengthen it, we can continue to learn about each other, we can continue to deepen it. But this is all about balance and doing what is the best for us and for the other person. Now we'll continue with this topic in the next episode where we will look at the romantic version of love. 

Thank you for listening to this episode. If you're watching on YouTube, be sure to leave me a comment and subscribe for more. For those of you listening through a podcast app, make sure you subscribe and leave me a review. Click the link in the show notes or head on over to merwinmccrady. com to leave me a comment there. Thank you so much and I'll see you in the next one.